Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
