you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize