i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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