why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
