I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
