Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
