Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
