I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Houston, we have a squirter
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
