I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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