I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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