I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
