1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize