My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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