I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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