Pants 0. Shit 1.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
