we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
