I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
