I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
