Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
