I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
