i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
