Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm having to shit out rocks
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
