a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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