so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
