she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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