life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
PS: I just woke up from my shower
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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