I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
