he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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