i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
