I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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