I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
