so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
