We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
