Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
