I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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