If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
