hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
