Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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