i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
