I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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