Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who died my cat blue again?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
