I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
