i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
