I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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