If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
