How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
