Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
