So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
