I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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