I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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