So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
