ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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