Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
