I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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