I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
