I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize