Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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