Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We got so high we made milksteak
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
