I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
