I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
being pregnant is like rehab
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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