I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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