well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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