Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
